On sexual abuse, self-harming & new beginnings

Welcome to our #BeingReal segment where real people share real stories of transformation.

This one is by D.  Homawoo. Be blessed!

“Romans 8:38 – And I am convinced that nothing can ever separate us from God’s love. Neither death nor life, neither angels nor demons,[b] neither our fears for today nor our worries about tomorrow—not even the powers of hell can separate us from God’s love. 39 No power in the sky above or in the earth below—indeed, nothing in all creation will ever be able to separate us from the love of God that is revealed in Christ Jesus our Lord.”

 

I don’t even know where to begin, because as I stand today, it is only by the grace of God.

I look back and I think of the days that I used to self-harm because I thought that the physical pain from that would shift my focus from the pain I was dealing with within.

The pain from feeling unwanted, stupid, ugly, like nobody cared.
Like I didn’t deserve to be in a place where I could have all these things.

I also remember the day I ran away because my teenage mind believed in a love that could be sought in the comfort of a man’s arms. I was sexually abused on a number of occasions by the few people I had managed to trust.

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Let me say this, in case you don’t read any further:

God is real, God cares, and in your deepest pit, He is still there waiting for you to let Him in.

Anything that you’ve ever gone through, please know that if it hasn’t killed you, you can become stronger from it.

Before I continue, here’s my note to you:

•  YOU ARE NOT ALONE
• YOUR STORY CAN SAVE/CHANGE LIVES!
• YOU ARE IMPORTANT
• YOU ARE LOVED
• YOU ARE WORTH SO MUCH MORE!
• GOD HAS NOT FORGOTTEN YOU – M’LOVE, HE DIED FOR YOU!

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Not long after my parents found out I had been self-harming, we went on “holiday” to Ghana where I was left behind by my parents.

Not having built a relationship with any of the family members (as I’d left Ghana at the age of 5), I didn’t want to stay with any of the people they had chosen for me to stay with. However, despite my opposition, a family was chosen, and I stayed.

It wasn’t actually too bad, I was already used to not feeling loved or fitting in, so each day was just another day – just with another family.

Until the day I was raped by my cousin, I didn’t feel that much different from where I was coming from.

I lay in that room for hours, I cried, and I cried, and I cried.

Then I went and sat outside in the dark (with the mosquitos), and I cried and I cried and I cried.

I finally returned the calls to my boyfriend at the time but for some reason, for possibly the first time in my life, I was unable to hold myself together for long enough-so again, I cried some more.

This story sounds nonchalant because by then, that was the 3rd time I had been abused by a 3rd trusted person.

I had already began living by the philosophy “I’d rather give it up than let it be taken from me.” – So for it to be taken from me, by “family” made me sick to the pit of my stomach.

At the time, I never thought I would ever forgive him. And I sure never thought I could speak openly to others about it for the fear of breaking “family” ties.

Anyway,  2 boyfriends later, I was pregnant in school and a member of the church choir, I was an example of a “changed character”… I did not think I was going to live that down either.

Good decisions really didn’t seem to present themselves to me.

But fast- forward to very many years later God showed me something.

He showed me His love – and He didn’t even use a Christian to do it initially.

Then He built on it.

I turned my back on Him, I ran back to my old ways, yet he persisted and pursued me.

I prayed for Godly friends… People I could truly call family – He didn’t hold back.

I prayed for someone in authority who could be wise counsel to me, He provided that.

If you’re still reading, there’s one more thing I want you to remember:

THE ENTIRE TIME GOD WAS WORKING THESE THINGS OUT, I DID NOT SEE THEM!

I thought I had some annoying people around me (honestly) that wouldn’t leave me alone. I wanted them to give up on me like others had, so I could be proven right – that no one loves me or could ever love me (misery truly loves company).

But you know what? – in every part of the journey, He set the environment, then He opens my eyes to see it. He has forgiven me for the most wretched of things, some I haven’t even shared here today.

He has shown me how to forgive myself. He has poured so much love in me, i can’t help but truly be sensitive to the need of others from the outpour of His love in me.

Even when I was not, God was FAITHFUL.

YOU ARE NEVER TOO FAR GONE TO TURN TO GOD.
HE WILL LOVE YOU IN THAT MESS AS HE TURNS THE MESS INTO A MESSAGE!

D HOMAWOO
@dhomawoo

Ps: I hope this blessed you somehow.  Share with someeone who would be encouraged by D’s testimony.

Do you have a #BeingReal story to share?